


How Simon Did What Needed to Be Done

by certs_up



Category: Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann
Genre: F/M, Humor, Sexual Content, fusion - fairy tale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-10
Updated: 2010-11-10
Packaged: 2018-01-12 21:54:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1201960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/certs_up/pseuds/certs_up
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Humorous fusion with "Rapunzel" in which Simon and Nia Do What Needs To Be Done and the Anti-Spirals are defeated without a single shot being fired. Response to a prompt on the Gurren Lagann kink meme.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Simon Did What Needed to Be Done

Once upon a time, there was a Spiral warrior named Lordgenome who fought the Anti-Spirals and lost not only the war but his whole world. But although the Anti-Spirals left Lordgenome's people for dead, a few in fact remained alive. Lordgenome declared himself king of the world and kept the survivors safe by imprisoning them in his deepest, darkest dungeon.

But the Anti-Spiral said, "This man is clever. What if he has saved a few of his people and hidden them away in a dungeon so deep and dark that even a politician wouldn't hide his secrets there?"

"I will make an enchantment," said the Anti-Spiral's enchanter, "so that his offspring will bear a seed that will sprout when his people have restored their numbers. And that seed will grow into a tree so tall it will pierce our own dimension. When it does, we'll slide down it like it's a fuckin' fire pole and wipe the bastards out."

And so Lordgenome's forsaken people toiled in darkness and filth for generation after generation, and the Anti-Spiral's seed lay dormant and waiting, until a prince was born, and his name was Simon.

This prince wielded a fearful tool. No, not that one (be patient, you lechers). It was called a core drill, and with it Simon drilled his way to the surface and through countless armies of the evil king's redshirts. Simon gathered many followers, because the king's forsaken people were sick of the dark, filthy dungeon, especially since some politicians' secrets had found their way there after all and stank even worse than the unwashed people did.

One of Simon's followers was a beautiful girl named Nia. She was the king's daughter, and Simon had also freed her from a dungeon (though it was a much nicer dungeon than the rest of the king's people had been in). When Simon had used his core drill to drill through the evil king and destroy him forever, he called out, "Nia, Nia, let us do what needs to be done!" And they did.

Simon and Nia lived together happily for years, and every day when Simon came home from work, he would call out, "Nia, Nia, let us do what needs to be done!" They happily fucked like bunnies until the day the king's people (who had also been fucking like bunnies, now that they were safely away from the politicians' secrets) restored their numbers. Then the seed within Nia awoke, and it grew into a tree that bore her up and up to the heavens and to the very dimension of the Anti-Spirals.

Simon got home that day and called out, "Nia, Nia, let us do what needs to be done!" But what answered his call was a nearly featureless black figure that appeared to be male.

"Who the hell are you, and is that drool coming out of your mouth?" said Simon.

"I am the Anti-Spiral," said the Anti-Spiral, "and don't snipe at my character design, you wretched Spiral lifeform. You are drunk on Spiral power and evolution, and I'm going to give you a hangover cure that will make you wish I'd stuck a baseball bat up your ass instead."

Before Simon could even say "Ow—but hey, that actually sounds kind of interesting" he was transported to a dimension where black was white, red was green, and he was having buttsex with every male member of Team Dai-Gurren—except Leeron, of course.

"Simon!" shouted Kamina. "Simon! It is time to choose! There is only one sex object. Is it the manly butts of Team Dai-Gurren, or is it Nnnnn ... before you choose, go a little deeper, would you?"

"But Bro," said Simon as he complied, "how can I choose?"

"Your soul will choose ... mmm, that's nice ... your SOUL will choose, Simon. You only have to find it ... OW! Ow, you little fucker! Take your hand OUT OF MY ASS before you materialize a core drill in it!"

"This always seemed like it had to be pulled out of somebody's ass," Simon mused as he looked at the core drill. "Okay, Bro, I'm going to find the sex object and pierce it with my soul!'

"Yeah, whatever," muttered Kamina, rubbing his ass.

"Want some help there, big guy?" said Leeron. As Simon vanished, Kamina whacked Leeron with his katana.

Simon and the core drill materialized in the dimension of the Anti-Spirals. Nia was in it wearing a black bodysuit and nothing else.

"Where are those guys I'm supposed to waste with my core drill?" said Simon.

"As soon as I arrived they all went sliding down that tree like it was a fire pole," said Nia, pointing to the tree she rode in on. "But I need only my own assets to reduce you to total despair."

"Nia, Nia, what do you mean? Even here, we can do what needs to be done."

Nia pulled aside the relevant part of her bodysuit to reveal an interdimensional chastity belt. "This chastity belt is made of the same material as the Mugans," she told him. "If you pierce it with your drill, it will explode and destroy everything."

"I will not despair, Nia! For I have experienced buttsex with every male member of Team Dai-Gurren (except Leeron, of course), and I can make your body desire its way out of that chastity belt!" Without further ado, Simon began to show Nia all that he had learned in the course of buttsex with every (etc.), and sure enough, soon her body desired him so strongly that she shed the chastity belt along with the black bodysuit, and she and Simon did what needed to be done.

"Simon," she said, as she poked around among the Anti-Spirals' effects looking for a cigarette, "shouldn't we do something with that dangerous chastity belt before it hurts somebody?"

"Yeah, Nia, you're right," said Simon, and he flung it down the tree after the Anti-Spiral army. They had rather painfully encountered some branches on the way down, and when the chastity belt hit them, it of course exploded, destroying them all. The world never knew how narrowly it had escaped destruction at the hands of the Anti-Spirals.

**Epilogue**

Since the explosion also destroyed the tree that would have enabled Simon and Nia to return to their dimension, they stayed in the Anti-Spirals' world, vainly looking for cigarettes and, from time to time, doing what needed to be done.

The Anti-Spiral who had confronted Simon survived only until he had the misfortune to encounter a mirror. When he saw how bad his character design really was, he immediately died of embarrassment.

Unable to find Simon anywhere, Rossiu cursed him for a slacker and declared himself king in Simon's place. He politely declined Leeron's offer to serve as queen.

Leeron had sweet dreams about what would have happened if Kamina had taken him up on his offer.

And in the deep, dark dungeon, one of the politicians' secrets found a core drill and stealthily began digging toward the surface.

**Author's Note:**

> _Original prompt:_
> 
> Nia is Rapunzel  
> Simon is the prince  
> The Antispiral is the wicked witch
> 
> GO


End file.
